JCP001: i enjoy these quiet moments we share
OneLastCigarette: i talk
OneLastCigarette: and you respond
OneLastCigarette: and then i talk
OneLastCigarette: and you disappear
JCP001: we need to do the record so we can confuse a whole new set of readers with our ridiculously simple format
OneLastCigarette: im lord of the wu sword, you know what that means like jrr tolkien is the lord of the rings
OneLastCigarette: bobby digi
JCP001: bobby boulders. and he totally says J.R. Tolkien
OneLastCigarette: are we on right now?
JCP001: we’re live
OneLastCigarette: ok so we’ve been at it like an hour and we have nothing we can use
OneLastCigarette: just a bunch of talk about illicit drugs and statutory matters
OneLastCigarette: that seems like a good intro
JCP001: know why we got nothing? we reviewed it on the phone the other night. i’m not talking to you anymore. it’s bad for business
JCP001: The Heart Gently Weeps is definitely worth all the hype around it
OneLastCigarette: WU-TANG CLAN 8 DIAGRAMS
OneLastCigarette: anything where they’re shouting pathmark and macys out is special
JCP001: shots was whizzin’ hittin’clorex bottles
OneLastCigarette: next day we read in the paper, man who came to kill gets knocked out
OneLastCigarette: its genius
OneLastCigarette: black super hero music
JCP001: the wu are like their own entity, they never team up with other ny rappers
OneLastCigarette: well theres the album meth did with redman, but not as a group, no.
JCP001: i liked them more when they all had fanged grills
JCP001: for sucking the blood from the record industry
OneLastCigarette: theres been a signifigant loss of fire, but theyre still better than 98% of rappers
JCP001: i heard some song that sampled CREAM today. paul was watching sucka free sunday
JCP001: i think they becamse caricatures of themselves and people don’t take them for serious
JCP001: gza, mef, ghost, rza ans deck are the best of the bunch
OneLastCigarette: big black baby jesus R.I.P.
JCP001: that goes without saying
OneLastCigarette: i like george clinton singing the hook on wolves
JCP001: the album kinda loses momentum after that
OneLastCigarette: pop momentum sure, theres still dope verses after though
JCP001: wu albums are unique. rza sample experiments
OneLastCigarette: i remember like 10 years ago he said they had records that people arent even ready for
OneLastCigarette: i wonder if any of those are them
OneLastCigarette: or they were just bluffing
JCP001: 36 chambers came out almost 15 years ago.
JCP001: and every solo project is like a mini wu record
JCP001: we gotta do this tomorrow when i’m not exhausted and you’re around. douche
JCP001: i’m droppin’ it but you’re not picking it up
OneLastCigarette: im here
OneLastCigarette: why does it have to be in real time?
OneLastCigarette: we’re not saying anything funny
JCP001: we may have to do the remix tomorrow. this blows
OneLastCigarette: i told you this was gonna happen
JCP001: i was ready the other day but you weren’t
OneLastCigarette: i mean i told you i wasnt gonna have much to say
JCP001: it’s like when you’re trying to get laid and your mom has a headache
OneLastCigarette: you were just waiting to shove that in somewhere huh
JCP001: i should have done this with seth
OneLastCigarette: no that doesnt work either
OneLastCigarette: our first piece of publicity and you bring your mistress
OneLastCigarette: what does the dialog at the end of life changes mean?
JCP001: it’s mandarin and i don’t speak it
OneLastCigarette: how did you know it was mandarin specifically?
JCP001: are you being a dick?
JCP001: i’ve seen enough kung-fu movies to know
OneLastCigarette: i dont believe you
OneLastCigarette: im gonna test you
JCP001: please do
OneLastCigarette: thing about the wu is they had a sick gimmick, but they didnt necessarily need it to survive
OneLastCigarette: relaxin, sittin backsin’
JCP001: i could do without a lot of the movie samples now
OneLastCigarette: the one about beating the wolf is great
JCP001: i decided the paper’s (Staten Island Advance) only getting part of this and no rating
OneLastCigarette: youre like the drunken master of PR
OneLastCigarette: only high
JCP001: i told you my landlord came by to pick up rent and kept calling me johnny right? i’m convinced he was stoned
OneLastCigarette: yes. im enjoying it just as much the second time
JCP001: i got a flying guillotine with a xxl basket to fit your fat head. protect your neck
OneLastCigarette: i saw a thing today
OneLastCigarette: was a quote of a person saying what the fuck does wtf mean
JCP001: didn’t know internet shorthand?
OneLastCigarette: i guess
OneLastCigarette: are you familiar with ddr?
OneLastCigarette: dance dance revolution
OneLastCigarette: that site is great
OneLastCigarette: check the top 50
OneLastCigarette: #15910 (87/189) My band is called Imation CDR 74m 650 MB….have you seen our CD’s?
JCP001: i’m crying
OneLastCigarette: i was on here for hours
OneLastCigarette: #16292 (54/168) ooop that almost wasn’t a fart. Brb.
JCP001: made me drop my smoke
JCP001: dirty food???
JCP001: okay. rate. me. bed
OneLastCigarette: i dont know
JCP001: real close to 5. wwtds?
OneLastCigarette: he’s waiting to see what pitchfork says
JCP001: a 4 for the boys who put our borough on the map
JCP001: i love me some kevin devine but he’s not gonna do it
OneLastCigarette: you must mean personally, cause i dont remember you using the word love to describe your feelings for his records
OneLastCigarette: oh and you live in brooklyn, like ben johnson
OneLastCigarette: you mean my borough
OneLastCigarette: me and d nizzle
JCP001: i tell people i’m from there. i don’t front
JCP001: you’re only back there because isreal kicked you out
OneLastCigarette: have you seen this? http://qdb.us/11690
JCP001: yes, you high dick
JCP001: but it’s still funny
OneLastCigarette: if we’re ding jay z we really shouldnt wait any longer
JCP001: we’ll ding the shit out of it
JCP001: exactly what I said
OneLastCigarette: ding the shit out of what
OneLastCigarette: im too high for this your tomfoolery
OneLastCigarette: dont go trailing off please
OneLastCigarette: you interrupt the flow
JCP001: JAY-Z AMERICAN GANGSTER
JCP001: you and your flow
OneLastCigarette: dont use my own vagina jokes against me
JCP001: like a Tampon Don i interupt the flow
OneLastCigarette: i have a lot to say about this album, i just hope i remember it all
JCP001: i have very little to say except jay-z had to make a better comeback album since his first comeback was a wet fart
OneLastCigarette: i wanna start off with something from the article i read about kanyes song big brother which is about jay-z, as you know.
OneLastCigarette: apparently when kanye says he was told he could “buy two tickets” it was because he wanted six and jay would only give him 4. it was a charity event
OneLastCigarette: yes, the last jay-z album was decidedly swampy…
OneLastCigarette: soft and wet
OneLastCigarette: kind of corny, like a frontwards yankee hat
JCP001: it was really awful. all those just blaze songs really suck. like abysmally
JCP001: he realized what he did wrong with kingdom come and did the opposite with this
OneLastCigarette: he shoulda used johnny blaze instead (aka Ticallion Stallion, Shakwon, Methical, the MZA; b. Clifford Smith)
OneLastCigarette: aka method man
OneLastCigarette: i think he got lucky. i dont think he has the power to say “that one was bad, so this one will be good”
OneLastCigarette: it was just time for another good album to come out of him
JCP001: he shat this baby out quick
OneLastCigarette: like what if the movie american gangster was never made
JCP001: then i’m sure he would have been inspired while he watched scarface for the millionth time
OneLastCigarette: the only songs i flat out dont like listening to are “party life” and “say hello”
OneLastCigarette: he said “scarface the movie did more than scarface the rapper for me”
JCP001: the only song i dislike is “I know”
OneLastCigarette: its one of my lesser liked tracks yeah
JCP001: 14 outta 15 isn’t bad
OneLastCigarette: beyonce and kanye west have uncredited vocals on roc boys (and the winner is)
OneLastCigarette: im bringing factoids back
JCP001: look at you googling
JCP001: you got lazy with the factoids. i tried bringing it back a awhile ago but you weren’t having it
OneLastCigarette: you insulted them one time and i stopped
JCP001: not i
OneLastCigarette: you or some other jerk
OneLastCigarette: what about the most intriguing factoid of all
OneLastCigarette: p. diddy produced half of this album
JCP001: interesting. yeah the song titles of this record aren’t followed by (feat.) or (Produced by)
JCP001: at least not many
OneLastCigarette: maybe “blue magic” says it because its one of the bonus tracks (along with the title track)
JCP001: sneaking in a factoid?
OneLastCigarette: youre not supposed be blowing me up
OneLastCigarette: in broad daylight
JCP001: next time don’t be so obvious.
JCP001: jiggaman gets a 5 from me. i’m totally blowing my load and rolling over tonight.
OneLastCigarette: why would you do that?
JCP001: cuz i’m exhausted and sick
OneLastCigarette: we havent talked about nas, beanie siegel or lil wayne
OneLastCigarette: i think nas performed poorly, maybe even on purpose
OneLastCigarette: like when shawn michaels lets hulk hogan beat him with a leg drop
OneLastCigarette: i think the beanie verse is so so
OneLastCigarette: and i like little wayne singing that hook. hes one of my favorite rappers.
OneLastCigarette: mtv even named him hottest rapper in the game
JCP001: oh mtv knows
OneLastCigarette: i give this record a 4
JCP001: why is that?
OneLastCigarette: 5 is the highest score which means its for a perfect album, this album is not perfect
JCP001: you’ve been hanging out with duffy too much
OneLastCigarette: you give out 5′s like theyre going out of style
JCP001: so overall it’ll get a 9.
JCP001: not perfect
JCP001: good job finding that cover art
OneLastCigarette: it was pretty hard to find
JCP001: fucking nigh impossible
JCP001: where’d you find it?
OneLastCigarette: i like the one with yorke as a leprechan
JCP001: did you look there or did you try to google it
OneLastCigarette: its in my favorites, but it came up like 7th in google
OneLastCigarette: jay z mixtape sucks
OneLastCigarette: but the 2 songs i heard off the actual album are good
JCP001: are we doing jew this week?
JCP001: i has new thrice too
OneLastCigarette: lets do it right now
OneLastCigarette: JIMMY EAT WORLD CHASE THIS LIGHT
OneLastCigarette: no rehearsal time necessary
JCP001: and me with no comics to read….
JCP001: goddamn it
OneLastCigarette: i have to put my clothes in the dryer downstairs
JCP001: do it
OneLastCigarette: 8 minutes left on the washer
OneLastCigarette: listening to jimmy eat world is like having a ******** *******. youre *********** in ***** of **** *******, but you still listen to everything they say
OneLastCigarette: this is not the band i saw as a 16 year old boy in the blistering heat crying and drooling and wailing into the microphone
OneLastCigarette: did you leave ben holding onto his cock like this?
OneLastCigarette: my balls are cold
OneLastCigarette: no. i want that to read: “my balls are cold, daddy”
JCP001: the daddy thing is creepy
JCP001: i do not approve
OneLastCigarette: you got nine minutes til i have to start folding
JCP001: i don’t. i’m not wholeheartedly into this. i figured this record would rule considering how mediocre the last one was
JCP001: i like 2 whole songs on this record. big casino and gotta be somebody’s blues.
OneLastCigarette: since clarity each album has been a little more boring than the last
JCP001: i mean, the cover art looks like a vaj so i guess it lets you know what you’re getting into off the bat
OneLastCigarette: i liked the song distraction from the demo version of this and they took it off of the actual release
JCP001: creampie style
JCP001: i didn’t hear it
JCP001: there are a lot of crappy throw-away pop songs on this.
JCP001: electable has a good middle part. it’s like a cheese steak without the bread though
OneLastCigarette: always be starts off good in the same way and ends in a pile of bubble gum vomit
JCP001: wtf happened?
OneLastCigarette: feeling lucky has a good start too, then *fart sound*
JCP001: it’s horribly disappointing
OneLastCigarette: what happened when
OneLastCigarette: oh with this?
OneLastCigarette: theyre not good anymore
OneLastCigarette: they were good for like…five minutes
JCP001: they went downhill with that awful jebediah split
JCP001: bleed american had more than 2 good songs on it at least
OneLastCigarette: yeah whoever that is
OneLastCigarette: bleed american is a decent album
OneLastCigarette: futures even has one or two good pop songs on it or maybe im thinking of the songs they scrapped…
JCP001: there’s some good stuff on there. i like me some pop but I kinda want huge emo power-ballads
JCP001: bleed american
JCP001: not futures
OneLastCigarette: i wanna feel like im gonna cry when the triangle comes in
OneLastCigarette: i dont feel that here
JCP001: i’m numb. i’m not even disgusted.
OneLastCigarette: its too boring to even get mad about
JCP001: i updated the site btw, with the new art
OneLastCigarette: i was wondering when ye were gonna do that
JCP001: dude, last time we spoke about this album you said it was a grower. nah-uh
JCP001: it grows like a rash on your nasty ass
OneLastCigarette: i apologize for my apparent inability to spot a “grower” then
JCP001: you’ve been okay in the past, this, notsomuch
OneLastCigarette: i wasnt exactly paying attention this time
JCP001: and they always put the gay emo song at the end. they need to reassess that in the future. they’ve become predictable
OneLastCigarette: my musical equilibrium has been off lately
OneLastCigarette: im pretty much done with these dudes
JCP001: you’ve lost your powers
OneLastCigarette: and i gained like 7 lbs
OneLastCigarette: but i digress…
JCP001: this distraction song blows too
OneLastCigarette: i feel like one of my kids did something really horrible. not angry, just sad
JCP001: disappointment is so much worse
OneLastCigarette: the remastered re release of clarity though, that shit sounds great
JCP001: they get a 2 from me and an”E” for ENOUGH. kthnxbai
OneLastCigarette: you should check that out
OneLastCigarette: i thought you werent high
JCP001: i’m not
JCP001: i’m done with this. rate?
OneLastCigarette: take out the ******** ******* thing
OneLastCigarette: i forgot my friend has a ******** *******
OneLastCigarette: and hes really sensitive about it
OneLastCigarette: **** **** **** ******* *** ******** if you understand
JCP001: change it
OneLastCigarette: to what
OneLastCigarette: i cant think of anything
JCP001: since when do you care about offending?
OneLastCigarette: change it to ****** ****** *******
OneLastCigarette: or something
This is NOT the cover art. There is actually cover art but, honestly, I didn’t have time to hunt it down. Plus there are also a ton of people making their own. Some okay, some not okay. You can see what the actual art looks like on the Radiohead site. C’mon, I can’t do everything for you. Happy hunting. Also, our guest reviewer this time ’round runs this site here. All Hail Modok!
Well, well, well. Look what we found. Not only the front but the back as well. Kudos to Lenny. He navigates the web like the inside of your mom’s panties.
brocbrock: you there?
JCP001: yeah. one sec
brocbrock: I’m putting on my super totally awesome headphones. Just sayin.
JCP001: are they those big dj head phones that need an adapter to plug it into anything?
brocbrock: yep. they weigh like 5 pounds and say ‘noise cancellation.’ which I’m pretty sure is bullshit.
brocbrock: are there any ground rules here other than trying not to say I’d have Thom Yorke’s weird looking babies?
JCP001: not really. free reign to kiss his lopsided face all you like
brocbrock: I didn’t say I’d kiss him.
JCP001: worked for julia roberts
brocbrock: first impressions?
JCP001: first round i wasn’t wasn’t impressed. even if it was a free record. i was like, “oh good, squarepusher meets radiohead… again.”
JCP001: that’s right. free. I gave them £0.00
JCP001: some other dude who didn’t know there was a USD conversion table link on the site paid for my record when he gave them £10. jackasses
brocbrock: I have to agree on that early on. By the way, I paid the £40. US/UK conversion’s a bitch. My heavy vinyl’s gonna be sweet. I just need a record player
JCP001: i’m not a collector. i don’t care. i just want the songs.
brocbrock: My buddy said “it’s boring.” Which I can’t entirely disagree with.
brocbrock: I’m not a collector either except with these guys. What can I say? I’m a fan.
brocbrock: But this new shit is, at the outset, not especially striking.
JCP001: i like radiohead. they’re not the end all and be all of everything. they’re just a band–thom yorke and some other dudes no one knows the names of.
JCP001: it’s grower
brocbrock: J. Greenwood, C. Greenwood, Phil Selway. Without whose drumming, would make Radiohead Thom Yorke’s trance project. Thank god for Selway.
JCP001: i have no way of telling if you looked that up
brocbrock: a little check to the spelling should probably prove I didn’t.
JCP001: one guy looks like Aaron from 24. the secret service guy
JCP001: oh yeah… RADIOHEAD IN RAINBOWS
brocbrock: I don’t own a TV. Radiohead told me to throw it out
JCP001: but yeah, after a bunch of listens it grew on me. there’s something lo-fi about it like there’s something lo-fi about spoon.
brocbrock: yes definitely. it’s real stripped down and recorded simply.
“Faust Arp,” I’m pretty sure, is the most blatant “We would like to be The Beatles” piece of music that’s actually good I’ve ever heard.
brocbrock: What’s the best song on this thing? I’m going straight for the jugular.
JCP001: i read somewhere that a majority of these songs are old–played live and never recorded. what say you, radiohead geek?
JCP001: is there a term for radioheadites?
JCP001: 15 step or reckoner. leaning more towards reckoner
brocbrock: I believe it’s “assholes who aren’t actually assholes” long, I know, but…yeah.
brocbrock: Yeah a lot of this stuff has been in the live sets for a while
brocbrock: 15 step, when that bass line comes in just for a second and disappears, I have to change my shorts after that.
JCP001: i like weird fishes and bodysnatchers a lot too
brocbrock: I’m pretty sure Yorke’s the only guy who can sing “I get eaten by the worms and weird fishes” without me laughing at him.
JCP001: yeah i skipped googling the lyrics
JCP001: i’m not big on deciphering lyrics
brocbrock: I’m afraid they might disappoint on this one. “I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover.” I dunno about that shit.
JCP001: yorke likes to make weird babies
brocbrock: Yep. Weird, weird fucking babies. Am I allowed to swear? I swear alot when talking about Radiohead because I have trouble articulating my level of worship…
JCP001: they also inadvertently turned the industry on it’s ear which earns them points
brocbrock: yes, this band has in my mind done a lot to engage people about certain things…things in the industry that are effed
brocbrock: I really like “Videotape” a lot as well.
brocbrock: the thing about this record, I think, is that it’s more pretty than groundbreaking.
JCP001: musically it’s a good record. how they went about getting it out there was groundbreaking. i’m into bands doing it on their own.
JCP001: i like that kind of initiative or ethic
brocbrock: me too, bigtime.
JCP001: i did a punk/comic zine years ago so some of that crap sticks with me
brocbrock: gotcha. It’s the best way to make music. these guys have been on that tip for a long time. after their second record made a ton of money, they just bought a ton of recording equipment and they’ve been sort of doing things on their own terms ever since I think. with or without Capitol Records. I think the symbolic move of releasing this themselves is an admirable way to go about things. They pre-empted the leak and gave it away for free. Granted, they can afford it, but it’s still big.
brocbrock: if you had to call Radiohead a jam band or a punk band–no other choices–what would you call ‘em?
brocbrock: me too.
brocbrock: I just hope they quit while they’re ahead so I don’t have to be that guy buying “special burritos” at their washed up concerts 20 years from now. That would suck.
JCP001: they’re smart enough i think to end on a high note. i think they’ll know when they’re done
brocbrock: yeah I agree.
brocbrock: So you have anything else to say about this thing?
JCP001: i’m pretty much done. like i said it’s good record, the way they went about releasing it gives them points. top marks for yorke… and joe, jim, steve and edgar or whatever their names are
JCP001: they always have, like dirty, stretched white t-shirts on in press shots. they got their loot invested son
brocbrock: Yeah, I think, like you said, it’s a grower for sure. I have to say almost every record this band has made after OK computer has been a grower, and I’m fine with that. My favorite records are the ones that took the longest to really get into. And Thom, if you’re reading this, my number’s 860-THOM-ROX.
brocbrock: dude they’re building a space ship to ride the hell out of here when the world collapses, which they’ve predicted by tapping into the brain of Thom’s weird baby.
JCP001: it just has a huge hairless head and a droopy eye. it would look like modok
brocbrock: wait, is that the thing in Total Recall? cuz if so, you’re awesome
JCP001: no but that’s better! (Ed. Note: I take that back. NOTHING is better than Baby Modok –JCP001)
brocbrock: oh yeah that’s quato or something. what’s modok?
JCP001: i’m was going to make a felatio joke but i don’t know you well enough
brocbrock: I spend every radiohead coversation trying not to suck their dicks. its ok.
JCP001: you’d give them 6 fingers if you could. 5 for the record and one to stick up yorke’s ass while you blow him. there.
brocbrock: and I’m keeping my fingers clean on this one. Five out of six for me. wait. can I do five and a half? fuck.
JCP001: this ain’t pitchfork, buddy. no point anything
brocbrock: what’s pitchfork?
JCP001: good answer
JCP001: oh man
JCP001: the bionic woman was cool
vdelsante: you crazy kids and your tv shows
JCP001: i have a feeling it’s gonna be like alias but with… bionics.
vdelsante: i would have to agree
vdelsante: but with bionics
vdelsante: meanwhile, I’m sitting here watching Van Halen videos on YouTube
JCP001: that’s it?
vdelsante: i was watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
vdelsante: started falling asleep because I got no sleep last night
vdelsante: and then woke up because it’s so damn hot in here
JCP001: because you have no fans?
JCP001: or ac?
vdelsante: i have a fan
vdelsante: a really powerful one, but it’s still hot
vdelsante: so whats up? did you listen to the album yet?
JCP001: i listened to the first 5-6 songs and cruised through the rest because i was getting bored
JCP001: i got the gist
vdelsante: yeah, the album was largely disappointing
vdelsante: 5 out of the first 6 albums are a great rock albums
JCP001: FOO FIGHTERS ECHOES, SILENCE, PATIENCE & GRACE
vdelsante: and then the bottom dropped out
JCP001: this album is all over the place musically
vdelsante: it was like a few of the other songs are good, but they belong on a different album
JCP001: they hit you with the their best rock out effort first then drag you through their b-sides for the remaining 45 minutes
vdelsante: they took a lot of those acoustic songs from the last album that they didn’t use and put them on here
vdelsante: oh my god, you totally hit it
vdelsante: that first song is so powerful…it could be a rock anthem, and then it starts to fall apart
JCP001: it’s big.
JCP001: see, my thing about the foo fighters that they have some really good songs but not any solid, really good albums
vdelsante: i don’t necessarily agree with that
vdelsante: I think Colour and the Shape is a great album all the way through
JCP001: my next mission if i choose to accept it will be to make a grammy winning foo fighters playlist
vdelsante: from all their albums?
vdelsante: that can’t be that hard to do
vdelsante: look, the last three albums were sloppy
JCP001: they never won anything right?
vdelsante: One by One, In Your Honor, and this one…all over the place
JCP001: i’d wiki them but i’m sure the 17 yo that wrote the “facts” tossed in a grammy or 2 for the hell of it
JCP001: i like “come alive” too
vdelsante: One by One won Best Rock Album
vdelsante: so did There Is Nothing Left to Lose
vdelsante: Nothing Left is probably the last solid effort from beginning to end
JCP001: did you just wiki that?
vdelsante: of course I did!
JCP001: little jimmy in utah is giggling
vdelsante: ’cause I wiki’d?
vdelsante: Come Alive is quite possibly the best song on the album
vdelsante: quite possibly
vdelsante: Pretender is a really strong contender too
vdelsante: Pretender and Contender…two old shows from NBC
JCP001: then i just lose interest
vdelsante: there you go, Little Jimmy in Utah
JCP001: he’s mormon, of course
vdelsante: that’s all there is in Utah
JCP001: and then they get kinda poppy and acousticy towards the end
vdelsante: when i listened back to the album, i realized that 6 out of 13 songs are good
vdelsante: great even
vdelsante: but that’s a failing grade in high school
JCP001: statues is like a jack johnson song.
vdelsante: that’s a very old school classic rock song
JCP001: none of these songs at the end belong on the same album as the first 5-6
vdelsante: i agree 150%
vdelsante: Anything after Summer’s End is a throwaway
JCP001: they start off strong out of the gate but… that’s it
vdelsante: they don’t hit a wall immediately
vdelsante: they jump out and suddenly realize it’s a race, not a sprint
JCP001: they just run out of steam
JCP001: as if jaime sommers’ boinics failed her mid sprint
vdelsante: you love that show already
vdelsante: you’re a mark
JCP001: how’s that?
vdelsante: it’s like being a Hulk Hogan fan in ’84
vdelsante: you saw him body slam an Iranian sheik and you think he’s the greatest thing in the world
JCP001: dude they pulled some david fincher shit on her legs when she first started hauling ass
vdelsante: you know, I should have watched it because I keep remembering how they did super speed in the 70′s
vdelsante: …they’d slow all the movement down
vdelsante: how does that work?
JCP001: and they have cast members from my other geek love, battlestar galactica
vdelsante: just Starbuck, right?
JCP001: watch a divid fincher movie, we’ll talk
JCP001: the Chief and the lawyer dude from last season
vdelsante: oh, I’ve never seen Se7en or Fight Club
JCP001: starbuck looks slimmer but she’s still beat
vdelsante: Let the record show that Whitey Blaq hates the ladies
JCP001: no, just the beat ones
vdelsante: how dare you try to call me out on David Fincher
vdelsante: I haven’t seen Zodiac yet though
vdelsante: and Panic Room
JCP001: alien 3? c’mon
vdelsante: saw Alien 3
JCP001: the rock!
vdelsante: but not The Game
vdelsante: The Rock?
vdelsante: what are you talking about?
JCP001: charles dutton
vdelsante: oh my god
vdelsante: that dude killed a dude, you know
JCP001: did he? makes him even fucking cooler
vdelsante: Fincher is supposed to do Torso (which was a Bendis comic)
JCP001: with his bare hands i hope
vdelsante: probably just a gun
vdelsante: some dudes are weak like that
JCP001: rate this shit. i’m already dragging off the 2 songs i like onto a better playlist.
vdelsante: what’s the halfway point?
vdelsante: like directly in the middle?
JCP001: i’m giving it a 2
JCP001: you can have a 3, if you like
vdelsante: is it out of 5?
vdelsante: or 6?
JCP001: four is like pudge territory
vdelsante: I’ll give it a three
JCP001: i’m sure no one scrolls to the bottom immediately. our banter is just too witty not to read
OneLastCigarette: im free
OneLastCigarette: what the fuck do you mean so
OneLastCigarette: dont start with me buffter poindexter
OneLastCigarette: are you ready
JCP001: okay fucker. i just kicked a cat across the room. i’m fightin’ ready
OneLastCigarette: dante or rolo?
JCP001: dante. he deserved it. if not now then he’d have earned it in the future
JCP001: your response time is lacking.
OneLastCigarette has gone offline.
OneLastCigarette is now online.
JCP001: your internet is free apparently
OneLastCigarette: snitches get stitches, bitch
OneLastCigarette: can we get on with this
JCP001: KENYE WEST GRADUATION
OneLastCigarette: who’s kenye west?
OneLastCigarette: KANYE WEST GRADUATION
JCP001: i’ve been fucking like that up all day. we’ll get the misspellers that way now.
OneLastCigarette: some kid named bart in pennsylvania is gonna be called “fart” by his teammates for the rest of his little league career
OneLastCigarette: i hope youre proud
JCP001: he’ll learn to accept it
JCP001: i haven’t listened to this for a few days
OneLastCigarette: ive done my best not to kill it
OneLastCigarette: so at first i thought he fell short, but it turns out this is just a grower
JCP001: oh hell yes
OneLastCigarette: it hasnt stopped growing yet either
JCP001: even “champion” grew on me and that has an annoying sample
JCP001: i’m glad he toned that down.
OneLastCigarette: i knew you would get past that
JCP001: also glad he didn’t do skits
JCP001: i hate me some skits
OneLastCigarette: yeah, nobody liked the skits
OneLastCigarette: toned what down?
JCP001: shut the fuck up, you’re not an actor of comedian.
JCP001: toned down his record of annoying samples
OneLastCigarette: yeah but they had bernie mac. hes an actor AND a comedian
OneLastCigarette: albeit an annoying stereotypical one
JCP001: i was trying to count how many times he says louis vuitton but I gave up
JCP001: that’s like counting the body count on 24. i picked the wrong season to try to guesstimate that one
OneLastCigarette: did you see the macfarlane bauer?
OneLastCigarette: oh my god, its exquisite
JCP001: it’s great
OneLastCigarette: and the companion books
JCP001: he has crates to duck behind
OneLastCigarette: to clarify the mush of seasonal happenings in your brain
OneLastCigarette: and the bag. i love the bag
OneLastCigarette: i think we’ve strayed quite far enough
OneLastCigarette: apparently… kanye threw a temper tantrum at the VMAs over not winning
OneLastCigarette: its on youtube
JCP001: it’s great
JCP001: I’m listening to flashing lights
OneLastCigarette: brb phone
JCP001: “…til i got flashed by the paparazzi. damn. these niggas got me. i hate these niggas more than nazis” think on that.
JCP001: hang up. you’re “free” lets go. clock’s ticking, lover boy
OneLastCigarette: hold on cock
JCP001: while lenny is away i will take this opportunity to plug my friend’s band because i can.
JCP001: are you free again?
OneLastCigarette: the glory is my favorite song on this record
OneLastCigarette: he has that fiery intensity in his flow that he kind of left at home on this run
OneLastCigarette: “can i talk my shit again, even if i dont hit again?”
JCP001: but the songs and beats are still strong
OneLastCigarette: yeah totally
OneLastCigarette: im taking absolutely nothing away form this album
JCP001: i even like the chris martin song until he overstays his welcome for the last minute of the song
OneLastCigarette: ive heard varying criticism of that song, i think its a certified banger
OneLastCigarette: front to back
JCP001: did you hear the bonus tracks?
JCP001: it is. i could do without the last 30 seconds of him yodelling though
OneLastCigarette: i was gonna quote him again, but we would just be sitting here typing every lyric on the record if we tried to repeat all the memorable lines
OneLastCigarette: GRAY AREA
OneLastCigarette: i have the japanese import version
JCP001: did you hear the bonus tracks
OneLastCigarette: my last two tracks are goodnight and bittersweet
OneLastCigarette: i dont think so. did you hear the songs i just mentioned?
JCP001: those are good too
OneLastCigarette: i guess youll have to fly solo on those two tracks
JCP001: i have a remix of can’t tell me nothin which has different lyrics which is cool. like a fresh new song
JCP001: who won the “feud?”
OneLastCigarette: as of a couple of days ago kanye was projected as many as 200,000 units ahead of 50
OneLastCigarette: 50 recanted his career ending bet a while ago
JCP001: at least take it like a man
JCP001: don’t start nothing you can’t finish
OneLastCigarette: i have something to say
OneLastCigarette: i think drunk and hot girls is a great song
OneLastCigarette: and i dont care what anybody says
JCP001: i like it too now. like you said it’s a grower
OneLastCigarette: one thing about this record that will never ever be ok
OneLastCigarette: and i think this is a unanimous decision
JCP001: what’s that?
OneLastCigarette: big brother is so awkward and bad
JCP001: kinda yeah…
JCP001: but people will tell him it great because it’s about jigga
OneLastCigarette: lil wayne is one of my favorite rappers ever. im really happy he holds the only guest mc spot on this
OneLastCigarette has gone offline.
OneLastCigarette is now online.
OneLastCigarette: wrap this shit up. my ride is almost here
OneLastCigarette: final thoughts?
JCP001: nah. 4
OneLastCigarette: “dog is you fuckin kiddin?”
OneLastCigarette: 5. and i would give it a 6 if i could.
OneLastCigarette: let me get your other hand
OneLastCigarette: this gets a 10
OneLastCigarette: im out
JCP001: “…you got Ds, mothafucker, Ds, Rosie Perez”
JCP001: shit like that makes it for me
OneLastCigarette: “im like the fly malcom x. buy any jeans necessary” he’s got punch lines for days
JCP001: know what? i’m throwin’ up a full five for Ye
JCP001: “keep makin’ that platinum and gold for me”
OneLastCigarette: unpresidented ladies and gentlemen
OneLastCigarette: i changed whitey’s mind
JCP001: no. the fact that i’ve been spitting his dumb shit for days did
JCP001: my will. it is strong
OneLastCigarette: whatever you want, princess. im gone for real this time.
Ed. note: No cats were harmed during this review.
If you’re interested in obtaining a copy of this Ben Lee has made it available here.
OneLastCigarette: yo lets git one of er’ done right now
JCP001: gimme a few
OneLastCigarette: whats a few
OneLastCigarette: you will come back to an empty IM box
OneLastCigarette: i cant believe youre actually the best partner i can get
OneLastCigarette: so i wait
JCP001: what are you going on about, miss sandy vagina?
OneLastCigarette: im here to do the fucking thing
OneLastCigarette: and i wont be here all fuckin day
OneLastCigarette: suzie day planner
JCP001: Ben Lee Sings Against Me! New Wave
OneLastCigarette: pencil me in fag
JCP001: that’s how i do now
OneLastCigarette: what, map out your day on a grid?
JCP001: no, drop the title jack off
OneLastCigarette: choke on an aids dick
JCP001: like your mom’s?
OneLastCigarette: like anybody pays attention to the structure of the title but us
JCP001: so i thought this ben lee record was a joke when you told me about it
OneLastCigarette has gone offline.
OneLastCigarette is now online.
OneLastCigarette: i would like to note here that jeff has just gone idle mid-review
JCP001: no you signed out on your bootleg internets
JCP001: you signed off, i moved on. i’m a busy guy, mr. babysitter
JCP001: and i’m listening to the record now.
JCP001: i sound ready to me
OneLastCigarette: mr babysitter
OneLastCigarette: remember that when i unexpectedly insult you later
JCP001: do you prefer miss?
OneLastCigarette: it will be just
JCP001: so since when does ben lee look like screech?
JCP001: he really did grow up ugly
OneLastCigarette: was it you who i heard say “ugh, he grew up ugly.”
OneLastCigarette: well then
JCP001: and i said it again. i can reuse previous comedic saying so long as they’re mine.
OneLastCigarette: take it easy
OneLastCigarette: this is like a lofi richard cheese album
JCP001: it’s new wave light. he basically covers it straight before against me! could
JCP001: but acoustically in his high voice.
The person is not currently online.
JCP001: and you went where?
OneLastCigarette: i would rather be a famous partial-birth abortionist than take credit for this
OneLastCigarette: it just ended
JCP001: i don’t think it’s half bad
OneLastCigarette: you are a moron
JCP001: i actually like that he sings the duet solo
JCP001: Borne On The FM Waves Of The Heart
JCP001: i’m not into that teagan girl
OneLastCigarette: the only thing ill give this is that its catchy in the way a wedding singer covering pop songs is
OneLastCigarette: a prepubecent wedding singer
OneLastCigarette: at first i was kind of into it until i realized how high and easy to please i felt
JCP001: i would fix that later, but i won’t i like prepu
JCP001: meant to delete that. not press enter
OneLastCigarette: wow what
JCP001: and he did it because he loved the original album…
JCP001: …and he had time on his hands
OneLastCigarette: this means exactly dick to me
JCP001: and a production guy
OneLastCigarette: commonly known as the “producer”
JCP001: i’m just tossing out when i read on his myspace blog
OneLastCigarette: dont edit this conversation at all
JCP001: i’m not trying to change your mind, sandy
OneLastCigarette: i know, but dont take anything out of this
JCP001: still trying to take in that momentary retardation up there?
OneLastCigarette: i hope this doesnt start an irritating trend for b-singer songwriters to cover entire albums of bands who would publicly strip and beat them for being so vag
OneLastCigarette has gone offline.
The person is not currently online.
OneLastCigarette is now online.
OneLastCigarette: am i online?
JCP001: yes. i hope it does. more fodder for us! kanye’s got a cover album of the new 50 cent ready to drop 2 weeks after graduation
OneLastCigarette: lets rate this piece of trash
OneLastCigarette: hey, guess my score!
JCP001: i’m not into ben lee but he really can’t ruin already good songs. 3. you’re a douche
OneLastCigarette: yes he can. the kid looks like he could fuck up a wet dream
JCP001: OneLastCigarette: ? ? ? ? ?
OneLastCigarette: did you listen to that 50 song
JCP001: not yet
OneLastCigarette: lets review it
JCP001: is it bad ass or funny?
OneLastCigarette: listen to it
JCP001: he gits it
OneLastCigarette: i gitit!
OneLastCigarette: theres a remix with ludacris, but its not as good
JCP001: 50 cracks me up
OneLastCigarette: hes a comedian
OneLastCigarette: i took quarter water, sold it in bottles for two bucks
JCP001: i hate seeing him perform on shows. he sucks. zero stage presence for a rapper
OneLastCigarette: yeah. i never put too many expec into rap shows though
JCP001: dude, it’s a case quarter water
OneLastCigarette: spank rock was sick a couple weeks ago though
OneLastCigarette: you got a case quarter, son?
OneLastCigarette: 50 said if kanye sells more than him the fist week he’ll never make a solo record again
JCP001: same for kanye?
OneLastCigarette: shits drop 9/11
OneLastCigarette: i think when he says “”do not fuck with the kid, i get biz with the cig, i can really live, you dig?” he means he will fucking shoot you
JCP001: ah ok
JCP001: i’m just pissed that i’m gonna hear this blasting from cars until it gets too cold to keep your windows open
OneLastCigarette: i hear this shit all day long out of cars in bk
JCP001: actually, it’ll beat the reggae-ton
OneLastCigarette: apparently albanian kids with unibrows run new york
JCP001: i’m having flashbacks to high school
OneLastCigarette: say whatever you want about this dude and his shitty sophomore lp, this song is fucking dope
OneLastCigarette: what do you give this 50 single
OneLastCigarette: it has a video
OneLastCigarette: i havent seen it. is it?
JCP001: everything’s green in it cuz he gits money
JCP001: he’s so emotionless
OneLastCigarette: hes a coldhearted gangsta
JCP001: i give it a 3, cuz kanye’s gonna be the man
JCP001: but 50 got black chicks with blonde hair in this video.
OneLastCigarette: i dont know. ive heard 3 songs from graduation and the only one i liked at all is stronger. yeah, the one with the daft punk sample…
OneLastCigarette: i give this a 4. this is a legitimate summer banger
OneLastCigarette: im entirely into this song
OneLastCigarette: i listen to it on repeat
JCP001: while you’re getting ready to go out? does it get you psyched?
OneLastCigarette: i put it on when i smoke weed
OneLastCigarette: makes me feel like a hard ass thug, son
JCP001: walk a mile in my shoes
OneLastCigarette: just woke up
JCP001: i thought about napping. got real close
OneLastCigarette: cant watch that here
OneLastCigarette: has to be at work
OneLastCigarette: what is it
OneLastCigarette: have you seen chocolate rain?
OneLastCigarette: youtube chocolate rain
OneLastCigarette: chocolate rain
OneLastCigarette: just do it and dont ask ?s
JCP001: that dude??
OneLastCigarette: tay zonday
OneLastCigarette: you wanna do this review while i listen to it
JCP001: i’m watching jimmy kimmel and that guy talks like that. weird
OneLastCigarette: thats fucking scary
OneLastCigarette: hes on it right now?
JCP001: no, no, you high bastard
OneLastCigarette: then when are we gonna do it
OneLastCigarette: I CAN’T WATCH STREAMING VIDEOS AT HOME
JCP001: yor internets. they are feeble
OneLastCigarette: your mothers cock sucking abilities are not feeble
JCP001: c’mon. don’t go down mom street
JCP001: MINUS THE BEAR PLANET OF ICE
JCP001: how many songs of this record do you still have to listen to
OneLastCigarette: i have it on now
OneLastCigarette: and im not gonna listen to it again
JCP001: hate it huh?
OneLastCigarette: this record is weak like a polio kid flippin’ through a wheelchair catalog
JCP001: that was nice. did you use that recently or are you just flowin’?
OneLastCigarette: it just came out of me
OneLastCigarette: brand new
JCP001: fresh out the oven
JCP001: i’m the only one who’s down then
JCP001: dennis hated it
OneLastCigarette: its so boring
OneLastCigarette: you gonna give it a five, fag?
JCP001: i actually thought it was pretty interesting and surprisingly catchy. the vocals are dull though.
OneLastCigarette: im halfway into the song knights
JCP001: that’s a banga
OneLastCigarette: this thing is a total fucking snooze though
OneLastCigarette: itunes user ratings mean dick
JCP001: who said anything about itunes?
OneLastCigarette: i just did
OneLastCigarette: their user ratings are high for these guys
OneLastCigarette: but they probably have high user ratings for korn on there too
JCP001: all the people who review on their are either 16 yos or aspiring critics who write a fucking thesis on the things
OneLastCigarette: aspiring deeeks
JCP001: 3rd lp . they got indie clout
OneLastCigarette: track 5 isnt that boring
JCP001: dr. L’ling is 2 minutes too long
OneLastCigarette: then nevermind
OneLastCigarette: i wasnt up to the metal guitars
OneLastCigarette: neeer neeeeiir
JCP001: the musicianship is solid. i hate those trippy, jam out bridge bits though
JCP001: that was your guitar imitation?
JCP001: midtempo not your speed?
OneLastCigarette: this record is not good
OneLastCigarette: bad recs are not my speed
JCP001: they did manage to get a nice shot of hoth for the album cover though.
OneLastCigarette: im glad youre providing this additional info
OneLastCigarette: so i dont have to look
OneLastCigarette: hey didnt we decide you the editor for a reason
OneLastCigarette: namely so that i would never have to edit these
OneLastCigarette: what happened to that
JCP001: what do you rate? 1?
OneLastCigarette: no i was a little harsh
JCP001: this record is good for when i’m stoned and working at night
OneLastCigarette: so it’ll be in your top 25 most played this year
JCP001: i was gonna drop my top 12.5 of the year so far soon. watch for it
OneLastCigarette: if you think im listening to this more than once youre fucking nuts
OneLastCigarette: so today at the show paul bruno asked “have people been sending in their records?”
OneLastCigarette: and im like no were dicks, we didnt get that set up yet
JCP001: and you said…?
OneLastCigarette: thats what i said
JCP001: started typing before i saw your response
JCP001: survivorman was drinking his own pee. got distacted. new season
OneLastCigarette: its good to be back
OneLastCigarette: who would be better on that show chuck norris or jack bauer
JCP001: bauer. survivorman would have a hard time keeping up
OneLastCigarette: track 6 – kiss. i didnt think this record would hit a new horrible low mid-way
OneLastCigarette: oh and KORN UNTITLED
OneLastCigarette: broadcast live from my one and only listen
JCP001: we’re actually doing this? I listened to half of the record and realized that there was a reason why i never listened to korn in the first place.
JCP001: i figured we could do spoon and put the shit storm of korn behind us
OneLastCigarette: yeah i wanna be a hack asshole, lets do spoon.
OneLastCigarette: can we move along
JCP001: but i do want to mention head just so we could link to him
JCP001: thank you
OneLastCigarette: google: head jesus korn
OneLastCigarette: im not doing spoon
OneLastCigarette: i was being sarcastic
OneLastCigarette: stop resisting
OneLastCigarette: what kind of welcome back is this
JCP001: just listening to korn is embarrassing. I’ll have to play it on my head phones
JCP001: when i listened to the first few songs on the train i felt like people knew i was listening to korn. might have been the look of disgust on my face
OneLastCigarette: so we have nothing. cause i dont even know what to say about this atrocity
OneLastCigarette: you always look like that
JCP001: since i like to read the fan reviews on iTunes, apparently they “changed their sound”
OneLastCigarette: track 8 – ever be. blatant led zeppelin rip off
JCP001: still sounds like nu-metal. and they all still look like coolio except the drummer.
OneLastCigarette: saw ted leo and the thermals today
OneLastCigarette: the thermals were really fuckin good
OneLastCigarette: surprised me
OneLastCigarette: ted leo did that whole ted leo thing again
JCP001: something about the thermals irks me
JCP001: that’s what you get for hanging with music jerks
OneLastCigarette: the night after i hurled at martini when i woke up in my bed i didnt know where i was
OneLastCigarette: little “cross promotion” there
OneLastCigarette: whoever saw me puking, this is for you
OneLastCigarette: or saw me layed out on terrence’s trunk
OneLastCigarette: who ironically left his car there because he was too wasted
JCP001: sounds like a hoot, you gross bastard
OneLastCigarette: no i was actually very elegant about it
OneLastCigarette: nobody actually saw me vom
OneLastCigarette: so any stand out terribleness in this album?
OneLastCigarette: ill call tracks 1-13 as the most terrible songs on the album in no particular order
JCP001: the lyrics are awful
JCP001: he’s writing angst ridden songs for teenagers in big stupid pants. they still exist. i’ve seen them
OneLastCigarette: you lie
JCP001: on the streets like they teleported from 1998
JCP001: with white guy braids
OneLastCigarette: the beard braid
OneLastCigarette: with a bead
JCP001: so wait, their last record flopped?
OneLastCigarette: this invokes rammstein and coal chamber and all other sorts of terrible
OneLastCigarette: do you know what its called?
OneLastCigarette: cause i dont
OneLastCigarette: when that guy head finds jesus theres no way he’ll forgive him for all the terrible records hes already made
JCP001: nope. unforgivable. and i’m so disinterested I’m not even going to research it
JCP001: korn. bad call
OneLastCigarette: your idea, for the record
JCP001: i was hoping you wouldn’t point that out, dick, but i also knew you would because you’re a dick.
OneLastCigarette: well im not exactly overflowing with material here. give me a break
OneLastCigarette: im really scraping the barrell
JCP001: i’ve still been working over that spoon record
OneLastCigarette: i chewed all the flavor out of it to be honest
JCP001: then i started working through old spoon.
JCP001: they pretty much have a flawless catalog
OneLastCigarette: it was argued by aforementioned music jerks that they were the most consistent band of the 00′s
OneLastCigarette: or the past few years
OneLastCigarette: or some shit
OneLastCigarette: along with the white stripes
OneLastCigarette: i was really high i dont remember any more
JCP001: was there a vote taken before they kicked the disagreeing music geek off nerd island?
OneLastCigarette: korn. what a horrible album
JCP001: so horrible they couldn’t even title the piece of shit.
OneLastCigarette: im putting on spoon
OneLastCigarette: i think ill get some chicken broccoli for dinner
JCP001: zero all around.
OneLastCigarette: i give this one empty look of disgust